It’s that time of year again. It happens quite annually. We all get drunk as a skunk, lie to ourselves and pretend that ‘this is going to be our year’ or be just as melodramatic on the other side of the fence say bone idle shit like ‘resolutions are stupid’… and your right, why would anyone want to better themselves?

Seeing as it’s the time of year for change I figured I’d put myself in the position of the people I love the most (games developers and publishers) and do their resolutions for them.
I’m a nice guy like that.

1) I will not base a large part of my title on an overused and unenjoyable game mechanic. Relying heavily on ‘guarding’ missions (Bioshock 2) or ‘fetch/delivery’ missions (Fable 3) is so depressingly over the hill I can’t begin to voice my dismay that triple A developers think they can still get away with it. A constant barrage of anything does nothing to engross the player, let alone ramming something rubbish down their thoats. It is the main reason I didn’t play Bioshock 2 past the hour mark and it is also the one massive downer to the great Batman: Arkham Asylum with its re-hashed Titan boss battles.

2) On the subject of re-using game content I will also promise not to make any player run through the same area more than once just to add some game time. God knows how depressing it is for anyone having to run though a level only to be told to turn around and run all the way back. Most the time some lazy bastard programmer has re-spawned a few bad guys. It is a pointless task and a middle finger up the bum to most half brained gamers. If you’re going to do it, do it well! Games like Singularity, where within one area you are in your current time, go back in time, change something in that time then time travel back to your original time and all hell has broken loose…Time.

3) I will stop giving achievements to gamers for doing absolutely sod all. A good example is Limbo (SPOILERS!) At the start of the game you can run left, pick up an orb and unlock an achievement. Now I understand the developer wanted to point out the simple fact no one EVER runs left on a platform game, thus blowing all our minds making us second guess everything and destroying the world. But really? You just gave me an award for walking left.

4) We will stop releasing DLC the day a game comes out. Nothing says bullshit more than asking a gamer buy a ‘special’ edition of a game which unlocks a new gun or something which is obviously already on the disc.

5) We will stop overusing zombies! Who doesn’t like zombies huh? We should have more zombies! What do kids like these days? Cars? Women? Smoking pot? No…kids like zombies. One step into the Xbox Indie section and you will be pelted with enough zombie related games to fill a cemetery. I will concede and say Undead Nightmare is amazing along with certain Indie games like I MAED A GAM3 W1TH ZOMBIES 1N IT!!!1. But people don’t need to copy them just because it’s the flavor of the month. A little bit of originality never hurt anyone.

6) Finally we promise to stop bringing out annual squeals. It’s pretty simple: NO ONE CAN MAKE A GOOD GAME IN A YEAR! Titles like SKATE and Fable have all suffered because of time restraints and publishers grabbing for money. Both games have both showed no real progression in their latest incarnation. Reworking your older games engine and throwing well thought out and game enhancing extras in like AssCreedBro or any sports series works to a degree but you have to be working on something new and original in the meantime. Every few years there are huge improvements to sports game and I bet your cotton socks AssCreed 3 is going to be pimptastic.

About The Author

Ryan has recently joined the team covering the Eurogamer Expo and looks forward to causing controversay with fan boys. He also loves watching grown men touch each other in pants.

  • Xboxer360Scoob

    Brilliant stuff Ryan – number two being a particular bugbear of mine!

  • ryansyrett

    Cheers Scoob. I think this list had the potential to go on forever haha. This flipside is that so many devs do so much good in games that i feel a little bad writing this rant. At the same time these are all very real issues and deserve to be put out there.